There’s a fear in me. A fear that clots my blood and shakes my marrow.
A fear that chases me at every turn, and that’s responsible for every failed project, every deleted manuscript and every unsent story. It’s responsible for the concern that my friends and family will read what I’ve written and sneer, or be disgusted or just laugh and turn horrific and cruel for the sole reason of perceived (or worse, actual) superiority.
It worries me that my wife will leave me because she reads a horrible person into my thoughts, my words.
It worries me that I’m a total hypocrite, claiming intelligence and self-awareness and open-mindedness while actually be dull and trite and oblivious to the world around me.
It worries me that I don’t hold the “right” views, and therefore, will be rejected by the liberally minded and conservative brain alike. It worries me that maybe I’m fucking right about everything but that what I’m right about doesn’t jive with current practices and standards, or steps outside the boundaries of accepted belief just enough to mean a few get it, but not enough to leave me anything but destitute.
Of course, that’s unlikely, and not because I think I’ll be a raging success, but rather, that I don’t think I’m particularly revolutionary. Everything’s been said before; you just need to know where to look.
Is using heroin as a metaphor for an obsession with creative drive and the addiction to discovering the why of life, the universe and everything new? Probably not.
Is creating a highly feminist pirate just to pull the feet out from under her at the end in an effort to promote some peacenik agenda of understanding and anti-tribalism, on top of a rehash of the “absolute power corrupting absolutely” moral, actually just fucking mansplaining, or will it read as anti-woman (which is not the intent, at all)?
All of these things combine to make me question whether I can hack it, and if not, what’s the alternative? What do I have to offer the world that would make any fucking difference?
Because sometimes, I have no idea.