I’ve been thinking about how to say “Hello, world.” I don’t really have an answer.
Part of the issue is that I spent the first thirty years of my life operating under the assumption that my intelligence would carry me through. Blinded by personal dogma, I didn’t really understand who the enemy truly was, or how delusional.
Over the past ten years, bad habits caught up to me, and I’ve broken down, piece by piece. I’ve tried to build myself back up, reading self-help books and taking up meditation and finding both unfortunately unhelpful.
That’s not to say all that is without value. They got me thinking about the bigger picture and the necessity to engage with perspective and presence. The changes are incremental, and while I’ve reached about as low a point as I’m willing to get without losing absolutely everything, I feel like I’m in a decent position.
You don’t fix a house on the verge of collapse by leaving it standing.
I’ve had a few small victories. I’ve finished at least four manuscripts in the last couple of years, though none are good enough to publish as is.
Still, the act of completion flicked some switch in my head. Being able to do it once gave me the confidence to do it again.
Getting published once (short story) showed me it can be done. It wasn’t much, but it was something.
That’s where I’m headed to now. I’m working on a more ambitious project than the highly negative, navel-gazing pieces of the past.
And not just in the realm of literature – in the realm of the self as well.
It’s time to be what I always wanted to be, without knowing it – incomplete, but growing. Imperfect, but in evolution. We are how we grow.
It’s clear there’s no end point save death, so with the time I have, I might as well progress.