How I Want To Feel

You know, you’d think this was a simple question.

You want to feel good. Happy. Blissful. Generally, the idea is to end up on the positive side of the ledger as far as emotions go.

Lately, I’ve started to wonder about myself.

I’ve heard of and know other people who identify with such completeness their negative aspects that the idea of a life without them seems empty.

The angry one who calls herself a bitch and that we should all just deal with the godlihood of her bitchiness, because she’s not changing who she is, even if a few simple acts of kindness or a harsh tongue held might actually be the key to connecting with others in a meaningful way.

The asshole who treats women like garbage and makes them feel insecure and weak to avoid the fact that if he dealt with his own massive insecurity issues, he could actually, again, meaningfully connect with another human being.

The narcissist president so utterly consumed with being some twisted idea of the “best” that he doesn’t realize that all of his poor behaviour, incompetence, greed and cruelty is merely vast overcompensation for one of human history’s largest inferiority complexes.

(And well-deserved, for such a disturbingly inferior man. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone so clearly terrified of other people finding out how pathetically useless and ineffectual he is. Everything he does is from fear – the fear of anyone finding out he’s a total and complete fraud who brings absolutely nothing to the table but his own delusions of grandeur. It’s okay, Donny. You can let go – we’re all aware of your decidedly useless and negative impact on society. Let that fragile ego pop.)

As for me, I’m in a place where I’m wondering if my own identity is too attached to the “tortured genius guy so put upon by the evil THEM and the universe at large that he can’t possibly expect other people to appreciate his oh-so-unique point of view and hence, a daily descent into the dark tea time of the soul, depression and angst and whatnot” blah blah blah whatever.

Pain should not be a part of our identities.

That’s something I will have to work on. I’ve no use for pain, not if I want more. It’s inevitable, sure, but how we react to it is not.

I have to choose better. I have to be better.

Not perfect. Never perfect.

Just… better.

And if I can do that, maybe I feel some of the good, to override the bad.

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