I’m a stubborn prick. Not in a narcissistic, my-way-or-the-highway kind of way, but I have traditionally been a difficult student to teach, when I don’t want to learn.
This may sound contradictory to the people who know me, because I can be such a “nice guy”. At times, I’m a coward about a lot of things.
So much of this only happens in my head, where I refuse to consider another’s point of view or accept that another way of doing things is actually better or more productive. What happens up top is probably completely different from the way I’m represented.
And learning how to mesh the two is difficult.
I can’t be bothered sometimes.
Sometimes, I can be bothered, but I’m paralyzed by fear – fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of looking like a dumbshit.
It’s a work in progress. I am desperately trying to reach a spot where I can let go, and not crash it all out and head back to square one, so I can repeat the same stupid mistakes over again.
So I can do the same things I’ve done a hundred times.
Same books, same manuscripts, same pointless bullshit.
I am trying to progress.
I just have to kill this stubbornness, and I need a good way to do it. Growth is key, growth is critical, but I feel like I’m building to critical mass.
And either that’s going to be a sudden lightbulb, and I’ll have done enough small things to create a tipping point and find myself suddenly excited to be where I am, past it all, or I’ll blow up.
Crash out. Give up. Give in.
And I don’t see getting up off the mat this time. I probably will, but I’m running out of time. Out of energy. Out of focus.
So, it’s either get there or give it all up. And maybe that will work out.
But maybe it won’t, and it will all have been for nothing.
And that’s fucking terrifying.
But is it terrifying enough?